Mental Distortion

I often think I've got my hubby all figured out, then we have a little argument or disagreement, and we are both left looking at each other like, what alien ship swung buy and traded out bodies!

I know it is safe to say others have faced this same dilemma, just when you think you know your hubby/wife, BAM, you wonder if aliens have traded places with them. The fact is no hubby or wife has an accurate view of their spouse.

We mentally distort them.

Let me give you a few examples of this.

(from The Lies Couples Believe, Dr. Charles Thurman)

The tendency to make a mountain out of a molehill or to make more of something than it actually is.

Technical term, Magnification.

An example, let's say your husband tends to watch too much television. You are magnifying this trait when you decide he is a couch potato. Here magnification LED you to see your husband as worse than he really is.

Taking something about your spouse that is actually a shade of Gray and you view it in black and white, all or nothing, or never or always terms.

Tech term, Polarization.

An example, let's say your spouse occasionally arrives home late and you turn it into “you never come home on time!” or your spouse at times spends too much money and you think he or she is a spend-acholic.

Believing your feelings reflect the way things actually are.

Tech term, Emotional reasoning.

Example, you feel your spouse is a selfish jerk, so you conclude your spouse is a selfish jerk. Here, you assume you can trust your feelings (because your feelings wouldn't lie to you would they….) and you allow how you feel to determine your view of reality.

Ever since the fall in the garden (You know where Eve blamed the serpent, then blamed Adam, who blamed Eve, and then went so far as to blamed God…..) we’ve had this mental distortion toward seeing reality, and the more we “think” we know someone, the more we fall prey to this common lie “we see exactly who our hubby/wife is”. This can be applied to more than just our spouses, we can do this with our parents, our kids, extended family, and best friends too!

Because we're not seeing them accurately there is a tendency to magnify each other's negative qualities, minimizing each other's positive qualities, and taking each other's actions ultra personally. Then we start to believe the other person is never going to change. Because we don't see our spouse for who they are, we don't treat them the way that we are supposed to treat them.

We haven't seen our husbands and wives as they truly are from the day we first fell in love with them, and saw them much too positively To the present day when most of us see our spouses much too negatively, MUCH TOO EASILY.

The only way to see them how they truly are, is to see them how God sees them. Here are some biblical truths to help lead the way.

First let's start with some helpful advice from John (16:13) when it comes to how we think about our spouses (or anyone), “however, when He, the spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on his own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; He will tell you things to come” we need Him to help us, to guide us away from thoughts that are untrue, wrong, impure, unlovely, and unadvisable about our spouses, and guide us towards thoughts that are in the opposite direction.

2nd let's take a look at Jesus he saw everything about a person in it's appropriate shade of Gray, not just black and white. He never focused on a specific detail about a person at the expense of the big picture and He never lost sight of the fact that he was dealing with people who are “fearfully and wonderfully made”. (Even if they may have appeared to have been switched out with aliens).

There are many more truths that I can share but for today we'll end with this last one from Paul in a letter that he wrote To the Corinthian church. The church was claiming he was fickle, proud, unimpressive in appearance and speech, dishonest, and unqualified as an apostle of Jesus Christ. Talk about mental distortion. In chapter 10 verse 5 “we are destroying sophisticated arguments and every exalted and proud thing that sets itself up against the true knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought and purpose captive to the obedience of Christ”. My main point here is to take every thought captive, before any words come out of your mouth.

Until next time, stay Anchored in Love & Guided by King!

Perfectly Imperfect,

Sam